James Bumm’s martini
You wrote to say goodbye and I had to pay the postage. [“Everything Happens to Me”. Music by Matt Dennis, lyrics by Tom Adair (1940)] Which proves there really is a bottom and my Uncle Melvin reached it. Yes, so short on gift ideas that he can only send his poor neglected Niece off in search of ridiculous clothes and cosmetics nobody needs. Except chic young socialites making the scene at the trendy Redondo Beach Pier. Where Jacqueline Bouvier can be spotted photographing Jinx Falkenburg and Lee Radziwill for a spread in Vogue. Yes. Sipping pina coladas at Captain Clodd’s Crab Shack beside the Black Lagoon.
The F-word was my great liberator, and there’s a spot on the ground in Ponte Vedra, Florida where I was liberated. Foul-mouthed – kindly old Uncle Melvin? A gift of golf clubs from my Dad. Never taught me to hit a golf ball where I could find it but sure taught me how to cuss. Can we go there? Sure. But if you need liberating you’ll have to find a spot of your own. I’ve already found one. Mind telling me where? At the Cotillion when I’m presented to high society. Where will that be? At the trendy Redondo Beach Pier, of course! With lots of people expecting me to be demure and polite. It will be soooo much fun!
What put that idea in your head? Captain Clodd. Never mind. The Pier really is a dump. I agree. They should do something about it. Maybe call it the Jinx Falkenburg Pier. Cover the King Harbor sign on PCH with the New York Social Register. Change Barney’s to the Jacqueline Bouvier Beanery and put James Bumm’s martini on the menu, shaken not stirred. James Bumm? A Mad Magazine thing. You wouldn’t understand.
Fly Divided!
The title of your essay is a real turnoff. “The Role of Guidance Questioning in the Management of Tension”? Yuk! Can you think of a better one? Definitely! “The Role of Uncle Melvin’s Favorite Niece in Self-Indulgence.” How about “Uncle Melvin’s favorite Niece joins Jacqueline Bouvier for Tea at the Cotillion”? No. “. . . at Captain Clodd’s Crab Shack Where She Gets Jinx Falkenburg’s Autograph.” “Uncle Melvin’s Favorite Niece Is Awarded Custody of the King Harbor Sign on PCH.” Cool! I’ll put it over my bed.
What’s all this nonsense about questioning? While I was annoying my other favorite Niece with my questioning I thought of a great question for you to ask. For my ridiculous character self-assessment? “Am I uniting or am I dividing?” “Flying United Airlines or Divided Airlines?” “Now arriving: Divided Airlines Flight 1126 from Portland. Gate 34, Concourse C. Passengers may claim their baggage at Baggage Claim Area A. Thank you for flying Divided.” Yes. And don’t forget to return your seats and trays to the upright position. That’s if you’re a person of good character. Upright. That’s me!
That’s if you’re nice and not arrogant. Doing what your friend Guidance does, playing peacemaker between 22 on the top and 7 on the bottom. Don’t make fun of it. They need a peacemaker. Yes. 7 keeps trying to make the fraction go away and it won’t. It’s being mean and that makes 7 mad. 7 flies Divided Airlines. Which airline does 22 fly? Ointment Airlines, so it can tell everyone it’s the fly in the ointment. Look, there really is a point to be made. Yes. Fly United. They know better than to make 7 mad so they switched to 21. Doesn’t work either. 7 into 21 = 3 and 3’s a crowd. United flights keep getting diverted because of unruly passengers. What I get for talking to you.
“Am I uniting or am I dividing?” isn’t nonsense. Questioning smooths the waters between one side of tension and the other. Improves things but it’s not able to reconcile one side with the other. What would it be like if there weren’t anyone to guide? Like the inside of a Divided Airlines flight. Pilot and co-pilot not getting along. Passengers at each other’s throats. At least with United Airlines you’ve got a flight attendant soothing frayed nerves. Guidance is a flight attendant? Well, think of how you’d feel if there was no one to greet you at the end of the jetway. No one to make things pleasant while you’re crammed into a tube like a bunch of sardines and wave goodbye when you leave. Ah! You’ve got a job with the flight attendants’ union. I knew it! I’m a questioner and that’s what Guidance does. Question.
“Am I uniting or am I dividing?” should go on the King Harbor sign. But wait! What am I uniting? Family. What Creation is all about. It’s not about getting rich? Famous? Don’t you want to be buried with celebrities at Forest Lawn cemetery? Think how happy you’ll be! Dividers are all over the place and I thought. . . Stop thinking! That’s your problem. Make the scene at the Pier often enough and your name will be all over the place. You’ll be another Milo Hamilton: famous for being famous. You’ll be written up just for taking a ride on the whale-watching boat.
Poor Lee’s dog
I’ll give that some thought. By the way, the dog on your greeting card. . . What about it? I was just wondering. . . No, I haven’t seen it. Why do you ask? Well, it used to belong to Lee Radziwill but it ran away. She wanted me to ask around and I thought. . . Who are all these people? I never heard of Lee or Jinx or Jacqueline either. You really need to see someone. See someone? Have yourself tested, you know, to see. . . . Too late. You’ve already been tested? No. I’ve already lost my mind. The dog has left the barn.
Poor Lee’s dog has left the barn? Wahhhhh! You can always drown your sorrows at Captain Clodd’s gin joint. I’ll be (sob!) fine (boo hoo!). Here’s a hanky. Tomorrow we’ll tour King Harbor where the action is. Derelict boats bobbing in a fetid pool of crud? Why not the sewage treatment plant in El Segundo? Because they got rid of the boats. They did? People falling overboard were clogging up the pipes and winding up in the ocean. They had to close the beaches. Thank you. Now I know how to feel better. How? Not talking to you.
Well in that case, nothing to do but while away our time at Barney’s and hope for the best. Yes. We can agree on that. Have a wonderful day, my favorite Niece. You too, even though my favorite Uncle Clodd isn’t a celebrity. You haven’t seen the posters? What posters? Banning me from the Pier. Tony’s put them up all over. Why? Because I ate there and farted and it emptied the place. That’s what made your advice so good. By making the scene at the Pier I discovered what really gets people’s attention. Gee! I learned that a long time ago. We’re soulmates!