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Ah, such a pleasure to awaken this morning refreshed and ready for a new day. Yawning and stretching with sheer contentment I drew open the curtain to behold the wonders of nature. And what did I see? My apartment building’s front yard so thick with dogs crapping on the lawn that I was momentarily blinded with shock.

I groped my way into the shower where gradually sight returned and I could once again greet the new day. A view of the front yard even more shocking than the first! Now the dogs’ owners were relieving themselves! Just like their disgusting animals, on the grass, in the shrubbery!

This is a huge problem for me. South Bay Hardware has plenty of no-poop dog yard signs but where can I get a no-poop human yard sign? I’ll have to make one myself and, of course you know, I have absolutely no artistic ability. And what human would be willing to pose for me in the front yard, right out in the open, without any privacy? I’ll have to invest in a port-a-john, and what port-a-john would have room for me and my easel and paints?

Sob! So unfair! A day so full of crap -- I mean promise -- ruined!