Great birthday gifts for girls
So where are the books? I dropped by Patrick Malloy’s on the way home from work and left them under the bar stool. My birthday present! Yes. I’m so sorry. But they’re still there. Third bar stool from the end. You can pick them up anytime because nobody wants them. Gone with the Wind! Mr. Malloy said he’ll put them on the curb in case a junk dealer comes by. Or he could put your books and essays in a pile and set it on fire. That would draw a massive crowd of cheering customers.
What are the books about? Great birthday gifts for girls, like railroad time tables. One thousand uses for Elmer’s glue. You’re hopeless. There’s another book. Two thousand wascally wabbits for Elmer Fudd. A creative writing exercise that’s made for your unique talent. I do have the makings of a great writer. That’s, uh, not the talent I meant.
Rick relieves the suspense
Think of a movie with one of those emotional scenes that puts everyone on the edge of their seats. Like when I have to go pee and can’t. Like when Ilsa pulls a gun on Rick and he says, “Go ahead and shoot. You’ll be doing me a favor.” How come? Ilsa had to dump Rick and it broke his heart. Now Rick had something that would save her and Victor, her war-hero husband, from capture by the Nazis. Letters of Transit signed by General DeGaulle, and they were desperate to get them.
The suspense is unbearable. What relieved it? Rick farted. How rude! If he’d done that to me I would have shot him. Ilsa still loved him. And she was nice. When she pulled a gun and demanded the Letters of Transit, somebody in the film crew farted and she didn’t do anything. She’d be in trouble if she shot the director. What about a production assistant? She’d probably get star billing and a new contract if she did that.
Back to the Ice Age
They had to re-shoot the scene and this time it was Ilsa who farted. So deafening it made the gun go off by itself. And shatter the crystal? Worse. It brought Captain Renault barging into the scene. Uh oh. He was the French poo-bah responsible for maintaining decorum in Casablanca. And he came to put Ilsa in jail for farting? Worse. He came to blow his whistle and announce that Rick’s Café was closed until further notice.
Shocking! Very. And he magnified the effect by ripping off a really good one. The screen went blank. Did it come back? No one knows. The theatre projector guy was knocked out and they couldn’t revive him for days. That was it. What a terrific ending! So heart-rending! Yes. You could imagine Rick and Ilsa dancing while the soundtrack played “Dancing in the Dark.”
Can I pick a film and make the script Oscar-worthy like you just did? That was so cool! Of course! How about “Ice Age?” A huge extinct woolly mammoth would be a creative challenge. I’m sure with your talent you could handle it. Thank you for the compliment.